Very Long Comic Review

I came home from work today with the intention of taking a four hour nap then getting up and going to the bar. Sadly that plan fell through. Instead of waking up at 8 p.m., I woke up at 3:45 a.m. Needless to say I am wide awake, and moderately bored (reading about the Pirates trade kept me busy for awhile). I figure I should write about some of the comics I picked up during vacation.

I had not purchased them in awhile, so my list was pretty full, and it cost me around $135. I do not plan on reviewing each book I bought, but instead just want to comment on a few. There may be a few spoilers in here, so if you read some of this stuff, I apologize.

Craptacular
Final Crisis #2-I am trying to read this series with some hope that it will end being pretty good, but as of now, all I get from it is boredom.

The idea of all the villains joining together has been done already, like 3432 times in the last three years, by DC alone. This issue had some rather crappy lines, such as: “You must be supercool to proceed.” or “We still have a God-Killer at large, but if i don’t show my face as Clark Kent at the Daily Planet, I blow my secret identity out of the water.”

That second line almost caused me to close the issue and toss it in the trash. Sounded like something from back in the 70s. Seriously, a reporter could not come up with an excuse why he missed a staff meeting? Especially one that lives in a world with superheroes?

Oh, and Barry Allen returns at the end. Thank god, another Flash, which means he or Wally will die at the end of the series, and it will officially be another Crisis book. Good thing Clark made it back to the Planet as well, since Clayface detonates a bomb, which appears to have killed Lois Lane. I can bet money that she did not die though, although if she did that could be interesting. A pissed off Superman who just snaps and goes out and kills Luthor and the rest of these guys…

Anyways, I will stick through this series, only five more issues to go, for nothing else than to laugh at more idiotic lines.

Almost Craptastic
The Invincible Iron Man #3-Zeke Stane uses Iron Man tech to turn himself into some kind of part human, part machine super weapon. He destroys a Stark building in Taiwan, and it causes Pepper to get injured.

Guess what? Her injury is something like Tony’s original injury, they cannot remove debris because it is moving too close to her spine, so Tony does to her what he did to himself. Could we see an Iron Woman soon? Ugh.

Oh, and Zeke Stane makes a suit of his own because this internal energy he can blast causes his skin to burn off. Yeah, this story sucks and is getting dropped immediately. Sad too, I like Matt Fraction’s work.

Scratch My Head Book
The Ultimates 3 #4-The story so far? Well basically Mark Millar and Bryan Hitch left the book after the conclusion of Ultimates 2. Jeph Loeb and Joe Madureira took over. So far, they have given us the death of Scarlet Witch, Magneto taking her body, and blah blah blah.

This issue goes to the Savage Land. The Ultimates fight the Mutants. Things are going well, there are creepy moments, like Pyro and Mastermind taking down Valkyrie, well Mastermind makes her think it was all a dream. Then Pyro discusses whether they should rape her.

Back at the mansion in NY, Wasp realizes that Iron Man is a robot, Cap saves her with this classic line, “Come with me if you want to live.” Then Hank takes him down and we realize Cap was also a robot.

This leads me to believe that the Black Panther that went to the Savage Land, who Wolverine questions last issue, is probably the real Captain America. The issue ends with an awesome moment: Magneto vs. Thor. Mutant vs. God. It is not even a fight, Magneto says to Thor:

“As I suspected, you Norwegian dolt. Whoever forged that trinket used a bit of iron. Just like there’s metal in your body armor. You lost this battle before it ever began. Imagine. A god bows before me.”

As usual Magneto gets to say the cool things.

Unfortunately, the book did not end there. Hank and Wasp go deep into Tony’s mansion, and we see robot Ultimates led by a robot Hank, this is what he has to say:

“They think of us as toasters, alarm clocks, and vibrators. But when the war between man and mutant is settled–and most of the human population is dead, only then will they realize–THE MACHINES HAVE ALREADY WON!”

Wow.

Could Be Great
Batman #678-Grant Morrison’s R.I.P. storyline has me very intrigued. The Black Glove crime organization is trying to destroy the Batman.

The issue opens with Robin reading some of Bruce’s casebooks, which show Bruce trying to understand the Joker. Bruce indicates in his writing that it could be causing his mind some serious damage to be going alone such a dark path, but luckily he has Robin to help him find his way out. Robin then gets attacked, but gets away.

He contacts Nightwing about meeting up at one of their checkpoints and warns him about the Club of Villains, who work for the Black Glove or something. Unfortunately Nightwing gets attacked by them, and by the end of the issue we see a doctor holding his mask and saying that he is full of sedatives. They believe he is some crazy villain.

So, where is the Batman? Well, in the last issue, the Black Glove stormed the mansion at the moment when Bruce’s girlfriend said some weird word and caused him to have a seizure. The leader of the gang has Alfred beaten and tied up, and he says that when Bruce returns, he will allow him to be his butler.

Bruce wakes up in an alley with no memory. The leader of the Black Glove says in a flashback that they are pumping him full of heroin and crystal meth. A homeless junkie just mistakes him for another junkie, but realizes he might be a good guy to have around.

They go on a weird spiritual/drug seeking journey, where Bruce deduces that he is not some poor person because of his appearance. Then it gets weird, apparently the guy who is helping him has been dead for a few days. The last few pages we see Bruce, with a needle and thread saying the word that put him into a seizure, zur-en-arrh. He dons a mask, and says that he is the Batman. When we see the full costume, it’s very bizarre, made from crazy colors and kind of homemade. Guess the colors yet? Purple, red, yellow…anyone else wear lots of purple? The Joker? Could Batman have awoken, but more on the path like the Joker.

I am sure the Black Glove did not intend for this to happen. Yes, they wanted to break the Batman. They want to possibly control him and have him weak. However, if he becomes a complete nutjob, like the Joker, but still has his physical strengths, and his fighting ability, then you just made an impossible to stop murderer. Uh oh.

So why do I say this book Could Be Great? Well, this all depends on how the story ends. If it just peters out, and nothing really comes out of the storyline, then this issue just comes off as weird.

Freakin’ Awesome
Anna Mercury #2-The last issue came off very nicely as a weird futuristic spy story. Then it turns out that Anna is in contact with the British government, and that she is in another plane of existence. Crazy right?

Well Warren Ellis keeps it going. The new prime minister of Britain is being briefed about what is going on. The director explains that in the 40s scientists discovered nine different earths in orbit around our earth, but not inside our space-time. We can visit them, but only for small amounts of time. Anna Mercury is on the one planet because one time we accidentally sent a battle ship to their planet and it basically wound up in the middle of one of their cities causing all kinds of panic and people to think the end was near and what not.

The explanation at the beginning had me hooked, but then the action with Anna got me super excited for issue three. She gets to the moon, where there is a giant gun aimed at another city on earth. The art is fantastic, the writing is excellent. The idea is crazy and fun. I wish more books were like this.

Consistently Good
Conan the Cimmerian #1-The entire fifty issue run of Conan was very good. Each issue left me pretty happy and usually wanting just a little bit more. The series moves into a new direction as we return home with Conan and already he is greeted with friendliness, such as being attacked.

The book ends and someone tells him a story of his grandfather, and the issue ends on a great cliffhanger. Like I said, I have no doubts that this book will continue where the last series left off and make happy each issue.

Trade Show
Walking Dead: Volume Eight-Robert Kirkman’s tale of what happens after you survive a zombie takeover is probably one of the best zombie stories ever. That includes movies, books, short stories, whatever.

This collection does not fail to deliver. The Governor and his people attack our familiar friends at the prison. At first Rick and his people hold them off, but the Governor goes crazy and just drives a tank through the gates. He already killed Tyreese (chopped his head off and forced Rick to allow it to happen), and now he wants everyone dead. His people believe the prison folk are crazy and they came to their camp to cause trouble.

During Rick and his families escape, Lori is shot and killed along with her newborn baby Judy. Rick and his son are alone in the world, and as always, this book reminds you that, no one is safe. Rick’s son, Carl, has grown up in this world and some of his remarks about death can be somewhat scary. He does not seem to be bothered by it anymore. He knows that everyone is going to die, and he has accepted. He also believes his father will make it through anything because of the number of shitty things Rick has been through. Very interesting.

Anyways, the lady who shot Lori and the baby realizes what she did and turns on the Governor, because she feels shitty for killing a mother and her baby, and shoots the Governor then pushes his body towards an oncoming zombie horde, hey no more fences, the prison is kind of useless now.

The book has me so excited for Volume Nine!

Well there you go, my thoughts on a few of the comics I have read the past few days. I know that none of you will read any of this, but whatever. I had fun rereading some of them, and writing this post. That is all that really matters. And now I will put up a picture of a hot girl. Maybe that will cause some of you to be confused and actually read this entire post, hoping to understand why there is a picture of a hot girl…