Last week I went to a funeral. Last time I went to a funeral I caused a war, which still has some of the best comments ever. Anyways, after the funeral I started thinking about my own death. I guess that is a natural thing to do, right? What if I die young? I know, I know, that is sick to think about, but anything can happen. Just being realistic.
I decided that I should write down my wishes concerning my funeral and all that good stuff.
1) I do not want to be buried. Cremation works for me. I want my ashes to be spread at PNC Park, hopefully at center field when the Pirates win the World Series (someone might be holding on to those ashes for a very LONG time). Or, I want someone to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro and sprinkle my ashes at the top. That should really ruin someone’s day.
2) No religious service. I am an atheist. I do not want some priest talking about how “Josh is in the kingdom of the lord.” Look, if I am wrong and there is a God, then I am most likely in Hell, I do not want people dwelling on that fact.
3) Everyone should just go and meet up at Champs and just tell some funny stories about me. You dickheads better say nice things!
4) I want a memorial built for me. Not some small little stone thing, I want a giant statue. It has to be huge, and I better be holding a sword. Preferably locked in battle with a Balrog.
5) One person must be designated to go to the statue on my birthday and leave an offering of bacon. A committee of twelve will decide who the person should be each year. I get to choose the first person: Offord.
6) If space travel becomes simple by the time I die, then please disregard the above and just have them bury me on the Moon. I want to be the first person buried on the Moon.
7) If I am killed because of a zombie conquest, disregard the above and please run like hell.
8) If I get eaten by a sparkly vampire, disregard the above and feel free to make fun of me for the rest of my life.
That just about does it. Please respect my wishes…or I will come back more powerful than you can possibly imagine.