Close Encounters of the Stupid Kind

So, last night I went over to State College.  I went to Champs for a few beers and the tastiness of a Wave Runner.  I did not drink that much (four or five beers), then I went over to Wal-Mart to buy toothpaste and check out what movies came out.

I left Wal-Mart with my toothpaste and a bottle of Mountain Dew.  As I was getting on the interstate my drink fell out of my lap and onto the floor, I reached for it and crossed into the passing lane.  I realized what happened and immediately swerved back over.

My first thought was “man, I hope no cops saw that, they would think I was hammered.”  No sooner did I think that thought when I see a car behind me.  I am doing about 73 mph and then the lights flip on, it’s a cop.

Officer Tallguy:  Know why I pulled you over?
Me:  Yes sir, probably because I was swerving back there.
Officer Tallguy:  That and you were speeding.  73 in a 55.
Me:  I thought this was a 65?
Officer Tallguy:  Doesn’t change to a 65 for another quarter mile.  Have you been drinking this evening?
Me:  Yes, I had a couple at Champs.
Officer Tallguy:  Step out of the car.

So I get out and he and his partner (Officer Shortguy) proceed to bombard me with questions about how much I drank and yadda yadda.  Officer Tallguy then performs the pen test.  He asks his partner for his advice and Officer Shortguy says he wants to try it because Officer Tallguy was shaking.

I  do the test a second time and they say that I passed it.  Unfortunately they say that I smell like I have been drinking for quite awhile.  So they make me do the heel-to-toe test.  Here are the instructions that I hear:  take nine steps then step and turn.  Then take nine steps back.  Apparently I misunderstood, I thought that meant on the ninth step, step and turn.  In reality it meant to step and turn after eight.

We discussed the semantics of this for about five minutes.  They said I did okay on the test except for the counting part, but that I also wobbled during the turn.  I told them that I was pretty nervous (my legs were shaking) and that the interstate has a decent grade to it.  They acknowledged this and gave me two options.

Option A:  They take me someplace where I wait for a few hours and then have someone bring me to my car.
Option B:  They take me to the hospital and they test my blood.

I decided to take option A.  They took me to the State-College-Branch-of-The-Place-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named-For-Fear-That-Someone-From-Human-Resources-Reads-This-Blog-and-Will-Fire-Me.  I tried to call Kacie for a ride, but she was a bit out of it.

Luckily for me, another cop came into the SCBoTPTSNBNFFTSFHRRTBAWFM, who I know from my days of working there.  He hears me explaining what happened to Kacie and says that he will drive me to my car when he is done eating.  He tells me to go out to his car and grab the breathalyzer.  He and his fellow officers tell me that I reek of alcohol and they place bets on what I will blow.

They all believe that I will be over the legal limit.  Haha, jokes on them, I only blew a .065.  They said that if the cops had given me one when the pulled me over I probably would have been over by a little bit.

Damn, I was quite lucky.  The funny thing is I was just telling my brother how I needed to stop going to Champs because I realize that I am pressing my luck.  Well those days are over.  I will take his advice, get a case of beer and drink at my place instead of heading over there.  Unless I have a place to stay, which will be never.

We had some good times Champs, but I am sorry that it must come to an end.  I will miss you.

6 thoughts on “Close Encounters of the Stupid Kind

  1. Passing of an era, eh? Probably for the best – better than ending up in jail or in a ditch. I tend to be way overcautious and never drive if I have more than one. We’ve all got to grow up sometime I guess.

  2. I probably would’ve made stupid jokes in that situation that would’ve gotten me arrested. I always seem to do that in the most inopportune situations. Just off the top of my head I’m thinkin of that one Peck incident, and this past holiday season in Texas…

    (Always leave em wanting more)

  3. Grumpy Monkey…pretty good.

    Gideon…haha, well not to disappoint you, I was making the cops laugh about a few things. I told them that I had no one to pick me up because my girlfriend was off with some other dude which was I went to Champs. Obviously not true, but I think they pitied me.

    I also made a crack about not being a ninja because of the highway being at a 45 degree angle.

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