Do you remember when I moved to the fabulous land of New Germany? Well, I think at some point I mentioned that it was a part of Croyle Township. I have officially become the ruler of Croyle Township and have decided to secede from the United States to form my own kingdom. That is right residents of Croyle Township, you need to stop paying your taxes to the government and bring them directly to me. Also, there will be a slight increase. Taxes will be raised to 60% of total income. If you work outside of our nation, there will be an added right to leave the nation tax of $10 per day. As of now, we will keep the dollar as our currency until our national mint is up and running. Enough about the boring stuff. Let us discuss the history of our glorious nation.
My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather, Lance Croyle, was a murderous brigand living in England. He was wanted for murder, which caused him to flee to the newly independent America. He moved to the area outside of Johnstown. His brothers, Kyle and Stevie, also left England because they found out that they would have to stand trial in Lance’s place. That was one of the reasons we split from England: shitty laws.
The Croyle brothers did what they were good at: being outlaws. Then, the entire village was attacked by Indians (I actually think they were from India, not Native Americans) and the Croyle family led the resistance, killing off the evil Indians. The leader of the town forgave them for their earlier crimes and gave them some land outside of town, which they called Croyle Township. Unfortunately, Lance was not content being a simple timber guy or whatever the hell people did back then. He went to the bar and got into a fight and may have murdered someone.
The local constable (they had those back then instead of sheriffs) wanted to hang Lance, so he fled north towards the town of Philipsburg, where he lived in the woods and killed animals and the occasional person. He met a young girl who was lost in the woods and he captured her and made her his bride. That is how the Croyles ended up in Philipsburg.
You might be wondering what my plan is for my new found kingdom. I plan on starting a war with the surrounding townships. Once I have conquered a significant region, I will expand outward until all of Cambria County is under my rule. After that, it should be no problem to take over Blair County.
With two major counties fully under my control, I believe my next course of action would be to campaign north. I figure Centre and Clearfield Counties would be nice additions to my kingdom. Then, once those are completely subdued, I shall move my armies west. Once I have Cranberry Township, I plan to strike at Pittsburgh, which I believe will be a tough challenge.
The rivers are going to cause problems. If my enemies are smart, they will immediately destroy the bridges into the city. Ferrying troops across the rivers will be dangerous, but doable. Once the siege of Pittsburgh has ended, I plan to rest my armies for awhile. Our first act will be to build a wall along the Ohio border. I do not want any of those filthy Ohioans sneaking into my kingdom.
I expect at this point Philadelphia will begin moving their armies towards the Harrisburg area in order to monitor my eastward progress. Little do they know though, I could care less about Philly, that place is worse than Cleveland.
I am not a greedy conqueror. Once I have my little kingdom carved out, I plan on taking it easy and just living the good life.
So residents of Croyle Township, you need not fear, once the conquest is complete, you will receive a portion of the newly acquired taxes from my loyal subjects. That is your reward for supporting me during the first few years of the secession. Now bring me your taxes!