Hey there! This is Josh from the future. Actually from the year 2130. Seriously, no bullshit. I know what you are thinking, how the hell can you be from the future? Well scientists figured out time travel a few years back and they also figured out that you can go as far back as you want. Do not ask too many questions, do I look like a scientist?
I realize your next question is probably “how are you still alive, you are 150 years old???” Yeah, I am pretty old, but that is not too significant anymore. Scientists figured out how to extend the lifespan of people, the average person now lives to about 200 years old. Again, I am no scientist, so do not bother asking how this happened.
Now that we have all that kind of crap out of the way, you probably want to know what has been happening in the world. Well that is what I am here to tell you.
Things turned to shit in this country in the 2030s. The economy sucked, the rest of the world surpassed us, we had serious problems. It did not help that people were living to over 120 on average, yet the retirement was still 70. Yeah, no one could figure out what the hell was wrong in the world.
Then the people elected Juan Rodriguez, our first Latino president (hey, in this entire time, we have still not had a woman president, haha, suck it feminists–just kidding). He had radical ideas, one of them was raising the retirement age to 120. He also decided to legalize marijuana and then tax the shit out of it. He then decided to force Mexico to be part of the United States, divided it up into eight states. Pretty much made the place a giant resort. The rest of the place was used to cultivate weed (which was basically all they did down there to begin with).
All those fears about drugs ruining the country turned out to be false, people pretty much only smoked dope on special occasions. Especially when the laws for other drugs became insane. Caught with a little cocaine? 50 years in prison. Tested positive for heroin? Penal colony in Mexico. People began studying and focusing more on becoming intelligent. This became our greatest export: knowledge. Medical, computer, technological, whatever advancement you can think of pretty much happened here.
Speaking of tech, you are undoubtedly wondering what the world is like in the future. It took me about ten minutes to remember how to type. We do everything with our minds now. So much easier. I do have some bad news though, still no flying cars. No land-speeders, none of that cool shit. Cars are cool now and they use an alternative fuel source. I cannot mention what though, it would blow your mind, I will give you a hint: you put it in your coffee.
I do not want to spoil anything, but the Pirates eventually win the World Series. I am not even kidding. I will not say what year, but when they do win it, cherish the hell out of it. You will not see another one. Depressing, I know.
The Steelers win a bunch of Super Bowls. After Ben retires, they draft a QB who is 6’7, 280, runs a 4.1 40 and can throw the ball 90 yards (some people believe he may be the first genetically engineered athlete, we fans say stop being jealous). The Pens also win a bunch of Stanley Cups, so you will always have those two to make you happy.
The Yankees sign the first player to a $1,000,000,000 contract. He is a short-stop from Ireland and ends up breaking the HR record. He hits over 900. They win a shit ton of World Series with him, most consider it a good investment.
People in America still do not give a shit about soccer.
-George R.R. Martin finally finishes A Song of Ice and Fire in 2056. You were right, Jon is Rhaegar’s son. He and Daenarys rule the entire world. Hope that does not ruin it for ya.
-Movie franchises start combining and become absolutely ridiculous, such as Fast and the Furious 21: The Rise of the Raging Transformers. Or Saw 87: Jigsaw vs. James Bond.
Oh and the most important thing is about your own future Josh: You will end up
OH SHIT! HERE COMES THE TIME-COP, I NEED TO RUN FOR IT!