Weird Customers

Since I ranted about work last week, I figured I might as well tell some funny (and not so funny) stories about some of the odd customers I have had to deal with during my time.

Windshield Lady
This older lady comes in with a white cane (with a red stripe, which I always thought was for blind people), she was dragging the cane, which gave me the idea that she did not really need it.  She asks an employee to speak with a manager.  She sits down on the bench in our lobby and I walk over and ask her how I could help her.  She then tells me to have a seat beside her.  It is my experience that if a customer asks you to sit with them, then something ridiculous is going to be said.

I see that she is holding a Styrofoam plate.  This is the conversation (this took place on 11/4).

Lady:  I was in here a few days before Halloween and when I came out to my car, this was on my windshield.

She hands me the plate and I flip it over and see that someone wrote “Dick Head” on it.  I breath a sigh of relief because this should be an easy thing to diffuse.

Me:  Well ma’am I am quite sorry, but this kind of plate is not used in our restaurant, so it did not come from in here.

Lady:  Oh, I am not worried about that, probably just kid’s pulling a prank.  They also poured something on the windshield and when I tried to clean it, it streaked it to the point of ruining the windshield.  I took it to a place and they said it would cost $600 to replace the windshield.  What should I do?

Me:  Did you call the police and report it?
Lady:  NO!  The police will not even come out unless the damage is over a certain amount.  What can you do to help me?
Me:  Where were you parked at?
Lady:  Obviously I was parked in the handicap spot!
Me:  Okay, well unfortunately our cameras do not cover that part of the parking lot.
Lady:  So you are saying there is nothing you can do?
Me:  Well it is not our fault, and I feel bad that it happened to your vehicle, but no there is nothing I can do.
Lady:  What would you do if this happened to your car?  I bet you would be very upset.
Me:  Yes I would, I would call the police then call my insurance company.
Lady:  None of them will do anything, this is how this country is nowadays!  Just like that damn Wal-Mart, if someone hits your car with one of their carts they tell you that it is not their responsibility, that you park at your own risk!
Me:  Unfortunately, that is the way it goes.
Lady:  So there is nothing you can do for me?  I mean, I cannot afford this.  Recently a Mennonite van ripped the front end off my car when they crossed the line going around a turn.  They did not have to pay anything because they were Mennonite!
Me:  Umm, I am really sorry to hear that.  There is really nothing I can do for you.
Lady:  Well throw this plate away for me.
Me:  That I can do, unless you want to keep it and show the cops.  Maybe they can fingerprint it…(I am being smart at this point).
Lady:  You know what I am going to do?  I am going to eat here just to spite you!
Me:  Yes, that will show me.
I am pretty sure she wanted me to give her $600.  What a crazy old lady…

Gastric Bypass Cards
This one happens multiple times.  TPTSNBN decided to not honor the cards that gastric bypass surgery folks receive saying they can order from a children’s menu.  The truth is they can order from the menu if they really want (anyone can), but there is a different price they have to pay.  These people never understand this.  For example, one lady got upset that she had to pay the normal price for a waffle when the card said she could get a kid’s waffle.  I tried to explain that they are the same waffle, we just charge less for a kid’s item because we are trying to entice parents to come in and that we basically give their food away.  The lady thought it was ridiculous that we were trying to make money.

Recently, a lady with a card like that decided to go a different route.  She was super trashy, what us Philipsburg folks would call a dirtball.

Dirtball Lady:  I have a card and it says I can order from the kid’s menu.  Why is she charging me full price for a cup of soup?
Me:  Ma’am, the size of the cup does not change from kids to adults.  You are paying for the amount of soup you received.
Dirtball Lady:  Well that is not fair, I will not eat all of this!
Dirtball Husband:  And she wanted her drink in a kid’s cup, she should not have to pay full price since she did not want a full-size drink!
Me:  Well…
Dirtball Lady:  The girl said you do not honor these cards, is that true?
Me:  Yes, we have decided not to honor them since we have a smaller portions menu. If you would like I can give you the number for our corporate office and they can explain it to you.  And I will take the price of the drink off and charge you for the kid’s price this one time.
Dirtball Lady:  Well I do not care about that, but I am calling Geisinger Medical!  They are going to hear about how you do not honor these cards!
Me:  Um, okay.  We are not affiliated with Geisinger.
Dirtball Lady:  They will know about this and you will get in trouble.
Me:  Oh, okay.  Well I am sorry to hear that and I hope you have a nice day.

You want to know the best part about it?  The price difference was a total of $2 for the drink and soup.  What a loser.

Mr. Poop Pants
I am called up front one night because an old guy wants to speak with me.

Old Guy:  I believe your food is contaminated!
Me:  Oh, well sir what did you have?
Old Guy:  I had the salmon, applesauce, and a glass of milk.  And when I was driving home, my stomach started to feel funny and before I could make it home, I had pooped my pants!
Me (trying not to laugh):  Well sir, I am quite sorry to hear that.  We have sold plenty of salmon and applesauce tonight and no one else has gotten sick.
Old Guy:  I figured you wouldn’t believe me, so I brought this!

He then pulls out a pair of boxers with brown stains all over them.  He tries to hand them to me.  The smell hits me and I start gagging.

Me:  Sir, please put them away.  (People in the lobby are starting to look at him.)
Old Guy:  I am 80-something years old and this sort of thing does not happen to me!
Me:  I do not doubt that sir, and I will look into the food to see if there is anything out of code.
Old Guy:  Okay, well you have a nice day.

The fact that the guy could walk in with his boxers covered in shit and act like it was a normal thing tells me that he has indeed pooped his pants before.

As you can tell, my job is pretty awesome at times.  These are just a few of the stories, crazy people are pretty much a daily occurrence.  Hell, I even had a lady die on her way out!  That was sad and weird.