I went tonight to see The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies and let me tell you what I thought about it. It was pretty good. I know, that is the best I can really say about it. “It was pretty good.” It was not great, it was not moving, it was just pretty good. Naturally, I am going bullet point style and I have to say there will be major spoilers. Like seriously, if you have not seen the movie, stop reading.
-Remember how awesome the last movie ended? You know, with Smaug flying to Laketown and saying “I am fire. I am death!” That was so freaking awesome and fortunately the movie picked up right there.
And then Smaug destroys Laketown and Bard shoots him with a black arrow. Just like the dragon is dead. The badass Smaug is dead in like ten minutes.
-I definitely enjoyed Thorin’s decent into madness from the Arkenstone. I loved how they kept deepening his voice to the point that he almost sounded like Smaug (or did I totally just imagine them sounding similar?).
-I liked the actual early part of the battle. Seeing the dwarves and elves fight together was pretty cool. The scene where the elves leap over the Dwarf Phalanx looked awesome.
-I am confused how 13 dwarves joining the battle will help make a difference. Yes, I understand they rallied to their king, but enough to take on ten times the amount of Orcs? I hate how in all these movies (including the first trilogy) there is no Orc consistency.
Allow me to explain what I mean. In the first LOTR, the Fellowship barely can defeat a group of Orcs in the Mines of Moria. Then as the movies go on, Legolas is able to take out entire companies on his own. By this movie, one elf can kill at least fifty Orcs without breaking a sweat. Remember how Faramir and his men were defeated at Osgiliath? Well in these movies, Bard and a few ill-trained and under equipped townsfolk can defeat hundreds of thousands of Orcs. See what I mean about inconsistency?
-This movie did not flow well at all. Like I said earlier, we get this quick battle with Smaug, you know the dragon that drove the Dwarves from the mountain and pretty much had everyone afraid to ever go back there. Then the five armies have their massive battle, but it never really felt like there was any danger. And then once Azog is defeated, the movie is basically over. Bilbo and Gandalf walk home.
-The battle between Azog and Thorin was fantastic, especially mixed in with Kili/Tauriel fighting Bolg. Legolas returning Orcrist by tossing it at the Orc that is about to kill Thorin was a nice touch, especially since it helps explain why Legolas does not have sword when we see him next.
-I am glad that Thranduil was able to come to his senses because of his son and Tauriel. He was being a bit of an ass. I loved his line to Legolas that he should seek out the son of Arathorn, a ranger named Strider.
-Okay, what the hell was with the scene of the White Council attacking Sauron? Elrond, Galadriel, and Saruman rescue Gandalf. The Nazgul attack them, but Saruman and Elrond are able to fight them off (although, did the Nazgul seem more powerful in this form than when they attacked at Weathertop?) while Galadriel heals Gandalf with a kiss on the forehead or something. And then Galadriel uses her super scary magic to banish Sauron away. I am not really sure what happened. I always thought that scary side of her was just her illustrating to Frodo what would happen if she took the Ring of Power. Needless to say, I hated this part.
-I suppose this is not a complaint, or a like, but more of a question. How dumb is Gandalf? He knows that Bilbo has a magic ring. Are there that many magic rings out there that it would not make sense to check to see if it is the One Ring? You know, the one that Sauron needs in order to take over Middle-Earth.
-Thorin’s death was good. The fight with Azog was great and then Thorin dying while also apologizing/saying goodbye to Bilbo was pretty touching. It almost brought a tear to my eye. Almost. Not like LOTR: ROTK where I cry like a baby.
-This is is the last movie, right? Or do you think after a few more crappy movies, Peter Jackson will decide that Children of Hurin would make a good movie. Or maybe The Silmarillion, which is bound to put everyone to sleep in like ten minutes.
-Am I the only person who cannot watch Tauriel and half expect Sawyer to show up and be like “hey Freckles…”
Anyways, see what I mean when I said this was a pretty good movie? Five years down the road and I am flipping through the channels and this is on, it will not be a movie that I have to stop on every single time. Does that make sense? Let me know what you thought of it. I am sure many people will tell me how I am an idiot.