It has been over two months since Lindsey woke me up by placing a pregnancy test in front of me. Positive. I am going to be a father! I keep waiting for a freak out moment to happen. And yet it has not come. I am just excited.
To be fair, we were trying to have a child. I think I am finally grown up enough to take on this kind of responsibility. We started trying months before it finally happened and I guess that helped prepare me for the final outcome. Well I guess not the final outcome, I mean that would be birth. You get what I mean though.
People like to ask me if I am nervous/scared and they probably do not believe me when I say that I am not. Or they think I am lying when I say that I am excited (sometimes I do not get overly emotional and people interpret that as me not caring or not being interested or me being scared…whatever).
I cannot explain what has changed in me or about me that makes me excited about the prospect of being a father. Maybe losing my dad made me realize that there is more to life than just myself. I do not know. That is probably part of it. But obviously not all of it. Lindsey is a huge part of it. Wanting to create something beautiful with her is an exciting idea. I do not know though. I cannot explain why I am excited, I just know that I am excited.
Am I excited to change poopy diapers? Probably not. Hopefully I can get the kid potty-trained by age two weeks. He/she is going to be a poop prodigy. Am I excited about lack of sleep or a screaming child? Not at all. That definitely sounds horrible. Literally. A screaming child is an awful sound. I have no illusions that our child will be a perfect angel that sleeps all night and never pees in my face (I hear this happens all the time). And yet, I am excited.
Do not get me wrong. There are things that frighten me. For example, I worry about how my job will affect my relationship with our child. I work different shifts, I cannot even imagine how that works. My dad was always home around 5:00. That was always the threat from Mom when Adam & I were being bad “wait until your dad gets home!” We did not have to check his schedule and say “oh, he is closing tonight, he should be home around 11:30.” I fear that even though Lindsey and I have good jobs, will it be enough? I am scared that the world we are bringing a child into is just so full of hate and ugliness right now. I always thought things like racism, sexism, prejudice would be virtually nonexistent by the time I hit my 30s.
And yet, will I be a good father? That is not something that even crosses my mind. That is something I am not even remotely scared about. Proving that to myself and to my child is why I am excited.