To be a father…

preg test
5/12/16…The day we found out

It has been over two months since Lindsey woke me up by placing a pregnancy test in front of me. Positive. I am going to be a father! I keep waiting for a freak out moment to happen. And yet it has not come. I am just excited.

To be fair, we were trying to have a child. I think I am finally grown up enough to take on this kind of responsibility. We started trying months before it finally happened and I guess that helped prepare me for the final outcome. Well I guess not the final outcome, I mean that would be birth. You get what I mean though.

People like to ask me if I am nervous/scared and they probably do not believe me when I say that I am not. Or they think I am lying when I say that I am excited (sometimes I do not get overly emotional and people interpret that as me not caring or not being interested or me being scared…whatever).

I cannot explain what has changed in me or about me that makes me excited about the prospect of being a father. Maybe losing my dad made me realize that there is more to life than just myself. I do not know. That is probably part of it. But obviously not all of it. Lindsey is a huge part of it. Wanting to create something beautiful with her is an exciting idea. I do not know though. I cannot explain why I am excited, I just know that I am excited.

Am I excited to change poopy diapers? Probably not. Hopefully I can get the kid potty-trained by age two weeks. He/she is going to be a poop prodigy. Am I excited about lack of sleep or a screaming child? Not at all. That definitely sounds horrible. Literally. A screaming child is an awful sound. I have no illusions that our child will be a perfect angel that sleeps all night and never pees in my face (I hear this happens all the time). And yet, I am excited.

Do not get me wrong. There are things that frighten me. For example, I worry about how my job will affect my relationship with our child. I work different shifts, I cannot even imagine how that works. My dad was always home around 5:00. That was always the threat from Mom when Adam & I were being bad “wait until your dad gets home!” We did not have to check his schedule and say “oh, he is closing tonight, he should be home around 11:30.” I fear that even though Lindsey and I have good jobs, will it be enough? I am scared that the world we are bringing a child into is just so full of hate and ugliness right now. I always thought things like racism, sexism, prejudice would be virtually nonexistent by the time I hit my 30s.

And yet, will I be a good father? That is not something that even crosses my mind. That is something I am not even remotely scared about. Proving that to myself and to my child is why I am excited.

One thought on “To be a father…

  1. I am excited beyond words for you and Lindsay to embark upon the journey of parenthood. A dear friend told me parenthood is a journey and to enjoy all the twists and turns and to enjoy the ride. It is such an amazing so much better than I could have ever imagined. The crazy thing is it only gets more amazing. At 3 months you think this is awesome and fulfilling how can it get better..then 6 months rolls around and you think how cool is this and it’s getting easier…then 12 months goes by and you’re in awe at how much you and your family have grown. It just keeps getting better every day. As long as you keep everything in perspective and always take a breath and appreciate you’ll be fine. The all night lack of sleep phase blows by and in 10 or 12 weeks you start to forget how crazy it was in the beginning. I know you don’t do country but the Trace Adkins song you’re gonna miss this always went through my head when I was at the end of my rope or wishing Addy would just sleep somewhere other than on me bc I “just had to get something done”. Now she won’t sit still bc she’s always on the move and you know what…I do miss that time and I really didn’t just have to get anything done. Sooooo enjoy my friends and I can’t wait to see how your journey unfolds.

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