I was thinking about Star Wars the other day (to be honest, I think about Star Wars most days) and realized there were some odd things about certain characters promotions. Think about it, Han Solo is promoted to general, as is Lando Calrissian. The Rebel Alliance just hands out promotions to basically anyone. Can you imagine being a soldier for the Alliance? I imagine it would be something like this…
Scene: A soldier is relaxing in a public area, other soldiers can be seen doing various activities. A droid approaches the soldier.
Droid: Lieutenant Johnson, General Madine would like to see you.
Johnson: I will be there right away!
Johnson: Yes! This is finally the moment I have been working so hard for all these years. I will finally be promoted to General and given the chance. Shit, I better call Yala, she will be so excited. We could probably by that house we were looking at on Naboo. Damn, I am so excited.
Johnson enters Madine’s office
Johnson: General Madine, you wanted to speak with me?
Madine: Yes Lieutenant. At ease Jarak. I have some important news to tell you.
Johnson: Fuck yeah! Here it comes. General Jarak Johnson, Commander of the Alliance Forces. I am going to like the sound of that…
Johnson: Yes sir?
Madine: You have been a loyal soldier. Hell son, you have been with us from the beginning. You have earned multiple accommodations and come highly decorated. You escorted over 600 people to the transport ships on Hoth, while under heavy fire. You blew up that clone station on Irodonia. You scouted the different sites for us to move our bases. I could go on for hours with your personal accomplishments. You have never lost a man under your command, that is absolutely impressive.
Johnson: Thank you sir.
Johnson: Keep it cool, don’t let him see how excited you are!
Madine: Your last mission was one of utmost importance. Your team helped rescue the Bothans that delivered the plans about the Second Death Star being built near the moon of Endor. There is a shield generator there and we need it destroyed before we launch an all-out attack. This mission will require more men than you are used to handling.
Johnson: Not a problem sir! I am definitely the man for the job. I will not let you down.
Madine: Good to hear. We are putting you under the command of General Solo.
Johnson: Wait, what? I am not being promoted to General?
Madine: No, we thought it prudent to keep you as a lieutenant. General Solo will be leading this mission.
Johnson: Han Solo? The captain of the Millennium Falcon? Wasn’t he captured by a bounty hunter and sent off to the Hutts? Is he even a soldier? What battles has he fought?
Madine: Well he was instrumental at the Battle of Yavin and at the Battle of Hoth.
Johnson: Umm, what? At Hoth, he ignored everyone’s warnings and went out in the night looking for Skywalker. We then had to send out ships to find both of them in the morning, ships that could have been scouting for Imperial AT-ATs that were coming to destroy the base! Oh and at Yavin? Solo collected his money and left. He did not fight in the battle, he just shows up out of nowhere and shoots Vader’s ship, so that Skywalker has a chance to blow up the Death Star. And come to think of it, shouldn’t he be in the Alliance Navy? Why is he in the Alliance Army?
Madine: He has valuable experience.
Johnson: Ugh. And I don’t want to bring this up sir, but you are forcing me: whatever happened with that money?
Madine: What money?
Johnson: The money we gave him for rescuing Princess Leia. His big reward. A little weird that we give him money for “rescuing” her. Everyone knows they are banging! What the fuck sir, this is complete bullshit!
Madine: Soldier, I am going to ignore this emotional outburst.
Johnson: I mean, Solo is not a good leader. At Hoth, he was going to leave to go pay off those Hutt ganglords, but then he gets captured by Vader? And sent to the Hutts anyway. I mean, does that even make sense? And again, I ask, what happened to the damn money? Okay, okay. I am calm now. I apologize sir. I will do my duty because it is what is best for the Alliance and the galaxy.
Madine: Excellent! Report to General Solo right away.
Scene: Endor. The Rebel soldiers have made camp near the Shield Generator Facility
Solo: Lieutenant, you are in command while Luke and I go after the princess.
Johnson: General Solo, we should probably send a small team to find her. We cannot risk having our general captured or killed out in the woods.
Solo: Relax, nothing is going to happen while we are gone. Come on Chewie!
Johnson: What a fuckin’ idiot…
Johnson: Alright men, you heard the General.
Private Biyer: Umm, he did not give us any orders, he just said you were in charge.
Johnson: Right, begin preparations to attack the base. If they are not back in twelve hours, we commence with the plan.12 hours later…
Johnson: Prepare attack parameter alpha kilo. You boys know what to do! In and out without anyone knowing what hit them.
Johnson: I hope Solo is dead, this would go so much smoother if he were dead.
Scene: Directly outside the base, countdown to attack has begun.
Biyer: Lieutenant Johnson, look over there! It is General Solo and his team!
Johnson: Oh joy. Men, hold the attack, our illustrious General has returned.
Solo: Good work everyone, now what is the plan? Actually, never mind, Chewie, we should do what we did that time on Ryloth. You remember, right?
Solo: Excellent! Wait here.
Johnson: You have got to be kidding me. This guy is a lunatic.
Scene: Han and Chewie take the base and capture the Imperial soldiers.
Solo: Johnson, have your team set those charges, we need to blow this place.
Johnson: General Solo, what if this was a trap. There were like four guards here. Shouldn’t we set up a perimeter, just in case the Empire has more soldiers out there waiting to attack?
Solo: No, that is foolish. Everyone, come on inside. Get out of that dank forest. This place has air conditioning.
Scene: Imperial Troops capture Solo and his team. Many of Johnson’s comrades are killed during the attack.
Johnson: I fucking hate you Han Solo…
Scene: Military Tribunal
Johnson: And then General Solo allowed us to be captured and only managed to get the job done when some native lifeforms that look like teddy bears started attacking the Stormtroopers.
Madine: It sounds as if General Solo did all that he could in that situation.
Johnson: Are you out of your mind? He is completely reckless. He brought Vader’s son with us. Skywalker just ups and leaves in the middle of the mission. It would have been nice to have a Jedi around to deflect some of them blaster bolts that killed my men.
Mon Mothma: We have heard enough. Jarak Johnson, you are hereby discharged from military service for conduct unbecoming of an officer. You disobeyed orders by not following the General’s plan.
Johnson: He had no plan!
Mothma: Regardless, it was your duty to follow his lead and not allow your petty emotions to cloud your judgement. General Madine has told us about your dislike for General Solo and your jealousy over his promotion. The Alliance has no room for such callous men.
Johnson: What the fuck ever! You cocksmoking assholes. I quit.
Scene: First Order Recruiting Station
Johnson: Hi, I would like to join the First Order Army.
Recruiter: You have experience?
Johnson: Yes, I was a lieutenant in the Alliance Army.
Recruiter: And why do you want to switch teams?
Johnson: Because I hate Han Solo.
Recruiter: Huh, you are like the fourth person to say that today. Glad to have ya on the team. Here is your orientation packet. And some forms to fill out. Remember to sign at the red X and initial by the blue one.
Johnson: No problem, all hail Supreme Leader Snoke!
Scene: Starkiller Base, the holographic projector of Snoke
Snoke: I am pleased with the rapid construction of this base, General Johnson.
Johnson: Thank you, your holiness.
Snoke: I have decided to restructure the command.
Johnson: Hell yeah, after all this time, I am going to be the head motherfucker around here. I cannot wait to destroy those assholes at the Alliance.
Snoke: I am giving the command to Kylo Ren.
Johnson: Who the hell is Kylo Ren?
Snoke: You probably remember him as Ben Solo.
Johnson: Are you kidding me? Han Solo’s kid is getting the promotion over me? I hate my life. So he is in charge of the base? I guess I can understand that, since he has that whole Force thing and whatnot.
Snoke: No, Ren will be in charge of the entire First Order. I am putting General Hux in charge of Starkiller Base.
Johnson: Are you out of your mind? Hux and Ren together have less experience than me. I swear, General Hux is like 25 years old. You have to reconsider this, your eminence.
Snoke: I am sorry Jarak, we are just looking to go younger. We really appreciate all you have done here, but the First Order needs to think of the future and unfortunately, you are not the leader we need during this strenuous times. But do not worry, we think you have earned your retirement a few years early. I have purchased a beach house on Naboo for you.
Johnson: Why the hell would I want a beach house on Naboo? My wife, Yala, left me twenty years ago. I found out she was banging some Alliance General, I think his name was Lando. I hate Naboo. Too many waterfalls. I do not want to retire. I just want to destroy the Alliance.
Snoke: Well technically, the Alliance has been gone for years. I mean, you could say that they became the New Republic, but that is not really accurate. The Alliance melded with the parts of the Empire that splintered off after the Emperor was killed. So really, there is no Alliance. And since the First Order has crushed so much of the New Republic, soon there will be nothing left! HAHAHAHAHA.
Johnson: Neat. I guess retirement won’t be so bad. I could always take up golf.
Snoke: KYLO, GET IN HERE AND GIVE JOHNSON HIS GOING AWAY GIFT!
Kylo Ren: We have a lovely watch for you. Thank you for your years of service.
Snoke: Ugh, what did I tell you about projecting your voice? You sound so weak. Go back out and try that again.
Kylo Ren: Do I have to?
Johnson: Oh, it’s not necessary sir. I thought he did a wonderful job. I was very moved by his presentation and everything. Can I please just go now? Naboo sounds wonderful.
Snoke: No, I changed my mind. Kylo, cut off his head.
Wow, that took a really weird turn there. But you see? That is what happens when you just promote guys without any military experience…