Damn, it feels like it has been awhile since I posted anything. I mean, it has been a few days and my last few posts were videos. This feels like a good time to update everyone (all 13 readers) on some of the things happening in my life.
I will not pretend that anyone is interested in anything other than Payton. Obviously she is adorable, so I will not leave you all in suspense. She is doing great. Getting bigger every day. I had to adjust her car seat straps to the next spot. Insane to think that she is over a month old. At what point do I drop weeks? When someone asks I say “oh, she is five weeks.” It seems weird to say “a little over a month.” And then you have that same problem later, when people say “oh my kid is 18 months.” 18 months? You mean a year and a half? Shit, I think I have made fun of this before.
We had our first poop explosion the other day. Well, we already had the kind that shoots out of her butt. That was funny. Instead, I am referring to the poop that explodes out of the diaper and gets all over everything. Naturally this did not happen while we were at the house. Instead, it happens at Kohl’s. We went in there for some shopping, you know picture frames, clothes, whatever. Lindsey went to try on clothes and I took Payton (in her stroller) to look at my stuff. I like pushing the stroller and figured it would give Lindsey the chance to find something. I looked around for a little bit, found a few things I liked, then decided to meet up with Lindsey.
We walked around the store like four times and could not find her. Eventually we run into her and she wants to look at picture frames. As we are looking at them, Payton lets out a loud fart and we can definitely smell poop. So, Lindsey says that she will take Payton into the family bathroom, while I return something and pay for the stuff we were buying. While I am in line, I could hear Payton screaming. As the lady rings me out, I see a text from Lindsey that reads “HELP!” The lady was having some troubles with some coupon stuff, so I said “hey, can we put this in hold while I help my wife in the restroom?” The lady is cool with it (probably gave her a chance to figure out what she did wrong) and I head into the poopzone.
Poop was everywhere. It had oozed out the sides of her onesie and Lindsey was gagging at the smell. It was all over the changing pad cover, the car seat cover. I mean, it was everywhere. Luckily Lindsey had some ziplock bags, so we put the clothes in there and cleaned up our daughter. It was definitely a two person job. Seriously, you should definitely carry ziplock bags in your diaper bag (it was funny because Lindsey had read that tip like the day before and decided to throw some in…it must have been fate!).
This is like the fourth poop story I have posted on this blog. If I get one more, Google will probably start listing it as German scheisse porn, which will cause me to lose all of my sponsers!
In case you forgot, we do still have Samson. Remember when I would post stuff about him like every other day? Seems so long ago. But yes, we still have Samson and I have a story about him. He was attacked by a dog last week. I bet that got your attention.
We were out for a walk when we spotted this lady who lives up the street. She was walking her dog. She always pets Samson and he was excited to see her. Her dog is older and not very friendly, but also much smaller than Sam. I was walking up to let her say hi to Samson (who was on his back legs doing his excited hop), when her dog lunged at Samson. It happened so fast and I tried to pull Samson back, but the damage was done. I could hear yelping. My first thought was that her dog was hurt. I mean, Samson is bigger and stronger. But no, as I got closer, I realized that Samson was screaming in pain. And then I noticed why: the dog was pieced to Samson’s lip. I grabbed them both and basically had to thread her dog’s mouth out of Sam’s. The lady was freaking out and apologizing. I told her not to worry that it looked like it was okay. Samson was not having any of it though. He turned right around and started walking to the house.
As soon as we were inside, I yelled for Lindsey to get me a towel. I wiped him off and noticed there was some blood. It did not look too serious though (basically a fat lip) and we gave him some ice cubes. He was sore for the rest of the day, but it healed fine. I was worried that he would be scared of other dogs, but we ran into some on our walk the next day and he wanted to play with them, so I guess he is still good. It was scary though and I definitely felt bad for him. There was a positive out of it. The lady’s husband had offered to take the dirt in my parking lot (from the patio) and haul it away. Well the next day, I came home from work and the dirt was all gone and the tarp that was under the dirt was neatly rolled up. I am guessing she felt bad and was like “go down there and get that dirt, it’s the least we can do!” Seriously though, I appreciate the help. I was going to have to remove it with large buckets and trips to some isolated spot to dump it.
This past weekend was my mom’s birthday. I believe she turned 42 or something. I don’t know, I am bad at math. Obviously she was pretty excited to see her granddaughter. What is my brother looking at? And why is my nipple hard?
I decided to make a big change in my life. I am changing the way I shave. As you know, I hate shaving. The greatest feeling ever was when I got that super expensive shave on our anniversary trip. I looked into it and I think wet shaving is the way to go. I did some reading then consulted Dave, a friend of mine who has been using a safety razor and hyping it up on Facebook. I decided on the products and placed my order. It is a little expensive up front, but in the long run, it looks like it will be much cheaper. I will post more about this after I shave the first time. I want to wait until I have a day off to get it right. I have heard that the first few times can take like 40-50 minutes. I will post more about that when I get to that point. I just wanted to show off my gear!
Okay, well I think you are up to date on our lives…or at least you know way too much about poop stuff.