Parental Rant Time

I need to get a few things off my chest. I know, you are all shocked that I am going to rant about a few things in regards to being a parent.

Just Wait…
I am not singling anyone out. Plenty of people say this, in fact, I catch myself doing this as well. When someone is telling you about their kid (usually something bad), we all have this tendency to go “oh, you think that’s bad, wait until (insert worse thing that happens in X amount of time).” I did it the other day and had to stop myself and apologize to the person. For those that are a little confused, it goes something like this.
Me: Ugh, Payton was so horrible yesterday. She would not stop trying to eat Samson’s food.
Person: Oh, you think that is bad? Just wait until she can get into the cabinets and start dumping stuff out.

OR

Me: Payton kept spitting her bottle out and making a mess.
Person: Just wait until she starts eating real food, then you will really learn about messy!

It needs to stop. The same with people telling me how “it will all go by so fast. One minute you are changing diapers, the next you are bailing them out of jail for selling fake Tide Pods at school.” They always have some weird, very personal example of what happened to their kids. I never know how to respond, except with “yeah, it’s already flying by.” I could also do without people asking how old she is and then trying to guess what developmental stage she is at. People are really bad at it.
Person: How old is she?
Me: 14 months.
Person: Oh, is she breathing on her own yet?

OR

Person: Has she started reading Tolstoy or any other Russian authors?

I usually laugh when it is someone who does not have kids, but when it is another parent, I just stare at them like they are an idiot. Fortunately, I never make those mistakes because I never ask questions. If I do, it is very general like “oh, does your kid do stuff yet?” That can mean anything, it allows the person to brag about whatever minor developmental hurdle their child has crossed. “Yeah, little Mordacai just started rolling on his side.” I then say “oh, that’s awesome.” Do you know what I do not say? “Just wait until Mordy starts doing climbing up the couch, then shit gets real fun!” At least, I try not to say it.

I think we do that shit so we can feel just a little superior to the other parent. Like, I survived teething, I am already past the rolling stage, you suck!

So Whiny
I love Payton more than anything in this world. More than Lindsey, more than Samson, more than baseball, etc. But I am really getting sick of the whining. After she eats, I will put her down so I can clean up. I figure she will go play. Nope. She will grab my leg and cry because I am not giving her attention. It was cute the first 342 times, but now it is annoying. And if she doesn’t get her way, she cries. Again, it was cute at first, her lip would quiver and she would make this super sad face. Now though? I am over it. I just want to scream “NO PAYTON, YOU ARE NOT DRINKING ALL OF THE LISTERINE!”

She was playing with something the other day, so I figured I could watch some tv. I know, I am horrible. I had a rough day, I just wanted to relax. As soon as I sit down though, Payton comes over with a book. She wants me to pick her up and read it to her. However, if I start reading, she then flips the pages. If I try to stop her from flipping, she screams. So I just sit there, while she flips random pages of a board book (so it only has like 8 pages to begin with). After that, she drops it, then grabs another one. The cycle continues. Yes, it is cute. But there are times, when I am tired and grumpy too. I just want five minutes.

I know what you are going to say “Just wait Josh, soon she will be all grown up and you will be wishing she had time to sit on your lap and let you read her a story.”

Quick story to display how annoying she can be (and all of you non-parents out there, do not judge, I am fairly certain every parent has at least 50 moments per day that they think “ugh, you are so annoying!”). I made her dinner, it was pizza, which she likes. She did not want to eat any. So I ate it and heated up some leftover Sloppy Joe meat, since she liked that the night before. She would not eat that either. She was screaming and crying, so I took her out of her highchair and gave her an applesauce pouch. She proceeded to squeeze it out all over the floor. Needless to say, I was annoyed. She kept throwing her milk on the ground. At one point I even yelled at her “what do you want??” I then laughed because what is she going to do, answer me? She continued to cry and whine, until bath time. I put her in the tub, she normally loves the tub. She stood up and peed. While peeing, she gave me this look like “screw you dad, put your hands in dirty piss water.” I realize that she probably pees in the tub all the time, but for some reason seeing it really bothered me, so I drained the water, and cleaned her up under the running water (she actually liked that, I swear she will start showering at like age 3). I put her lotion on, brush her hair, put her pajamas on, and the entire time she is screaming. If anyone was listening, they would assume I was torturing a prisoner of war. I picked her up and she leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. All of that annoyance just melted away. I love that little jerk.

It’s a Girl
We get this all the time. Someone will come up to us and say “oh, how old is he?” Payton will be wearing a pink coat, have her hair in pig-tails, and yet someone will still think she is a boy. I could understand it when her hair was shorter, but now I just think people are stupid. I was eating the other day and this lady came by and was like “how old is he?” And I said “SHE is 13 months.” And the lady responds with “oh, he’s so handsome.” WHAT? She was wearing a very girly outfit. I just do not understand. It really sucks when we tell them her name, because they say “oh, like Peyton Manning?” I now just try to be a dick and say “no, like Peyton from One Tree Hill.” Younger folks get that one, but older people not so much.

Sexism
I know I mentioned this before, but it still annoys me that people can be fairly sexist. If I have Payton out in public, older ladies will come up and offer help if she is crying. Or they will make some weird condescending comment like “oh, it’s nice to see this.” The other day we had to go to the doctor so Lindsey could have blood drawn. Payton and I waited in the lobby. She played on my lap and this guy says “oh, is she daddy’s buddy, huh?” And I was like “yeah, sometimes.” He then says “at least for the fun stuff, eh! HAHAHA.” I am guessing he was insinuating that I do not change diapers or any of that not fun stuff.

It just blows my mind that in the 21st century, there are still tons of people who think of parental duties are split between the sexes. Maybe I am reading too much into that one comment, but I can think of a bunch of other examples, where someone will be shocked that I change diapers (or that I take her places without Mommy). And don’t worry ladies, I am not trying to say that this minor form of sexism even remotely compares to the shit you women go through on a daily basis. However, it annoys me and I can totally understand how that shit can piss you off.