The Tokyo Olympics are kicking off and that means we get to watch all sorts of interesting sports. Okay, be honest here, what do people actually watch? Most people will watch some soccer (they say they watch every match, but in reality they watch like ten minutes of the women). I think everyone watches women’s gymnastics (does anyone watch the men?). I think people like the running stuff because watching people go really fast is cool and it lasts like 9 seconds. We have short attention spans, that is easy to watch now. Swimming. People love swimming. Or at least they like when someone dominates swimming.After that, people do not watch anything else. If they say they do, they are probably lying.*
The cool thing about most of the sports is they have some connection to the original sports played in ancient Greece. Javelin, discus, shot put, wrestling, running, archery…those all make sense for a bunch of Greek guys to participate in order to show off their skills that would probably translate to the battlefield. But some modern sports have no benefit for a Theban man.
Anyways, this is a guide to all the sports in the 2020 Olympics. Or 2021. I guess it is the Tokyo 2020 Summer Olympics in 2021. Maybe we should just call it the COVIDOlympics….
Aquatics
First we have all the water events. There are so many swimming events and they are all legit. There is also diving and water polo, which are incredibly difficult and I have the utmost respect for these athletes. Artistic swimming? Yeah, not so much. Sorry folks, it is lame.
Archery
This is cool and should definitely be televised. They need to find a way to make it more interesting. It should be like Robin Hood or Brave. You know, they all fire an arrow, then some mystery archer shows up with a cloak and shoots an arrow that splits the one in the bullseye. That would be some drama.
Athletics
It is weird they now call the track & field events “athletics”, like aren’t they athletic events? There are so many different events: 100 m, 200 m, 400 m, 800 m, 1500 m, 5000 m, 10000 m…so yeah lots of running. Then you have the 110 m hurdles and the 400 m hurdles (why 110?). 3000 m steeplechase…I have zero clue what that is and I will most likely never look it up. Sorry steeplechasers! There is a marathon and a few different relays. Then we have the 20 km and 50 km walk. Nope, we do not need walking in the Olympics. I do not care how good they are, there is no way in hell that walking is entertaining. I have to be a fan of jumping since Lindsey was a long jumper. It is weird that she could long jump, but not high jump or triple jump. Then there is pole vaulting. It seems like a weird sport, but think about how practical this is in everyday life. Say you do not have a ladder, but instead you have a giant flimsy pole…BOOM, you can just run and flip yourself onto the roof to fix that leak. Next you have throwing stuff…discus, javelin, hammer, and shot put. I am always disappointed to find out that they do not actually throw a giant hammer. Finally there is the decathlon. It would be so much cooler if they did all ten events in succession. So you run 100 meters then throw a javelin, then grab a pole vault…no stopping between. Score would be a combination of individual times/distances plus how fast you complete all ten events. Yeah, it would be way cooler to see someone just finish a high jump and jog over to grab a discus and give it a launch. Oh well, they do not consult me on this stuff.
Badminton
The best sport in the summer games. I do not understand why tennis is a bigger sport in the world than badminton. It just needs one superstar. It needs a Pete Sampras.
Baseball/Softball
This should not be a sport in the Olympics. At least baseball should not in there. I can see the argument for softball. It helps showcase the sport and I think winning the gold for the women is probably the crowning achievement. Do baseball players even care about this? The World Baseball Classic barely has enough interest from the top players. Also, we have the World Series, which clearly decides the best team in the world every year. Duh.
Basketball
I am glad the rest of the world has caught up to and I guess passed the United States. Oh, we won the gold every year minus 2004 since they started allowing pros. Cool. I actually root against America in this one. I want to see Slovenia win the gold this year. The women are just as dominant. Neat. Is anyone interested in 3×3 basketball? It is so lame that the United States did not even enter a team.
Boxing
It totally makes sense to have boxing as a sport. I also enjoy that they wear headgear…oh they no longer wear headgear. I feel like it should be bareknuckle and they should fight naked. Make it like a truly ancient Greek combat exercise.
Canoeing
I will make an argument for why this sport makes sense. I bet ancient Greeks would have been very good in this event. They may have even had competitions like this to show off their boat skills. Granted, I have no idea how anyone would watch this. I feel bad for any announcer trying to liven this up. “He will want to paddle and then umm paddle some more.”
Cycling
Riding a bicycle is incredibly difficult, especially at the speeds these athletes reach. I respect all of these events. Okay, minus the BMX stuff. I can accept BMX racing, but the freestyle stuff? That is what the X Games are for.
Equestrian
I will accept that riding a horse is difficult. I will buy that clearing obstacles and making jumps would be something ancient Greek warriors would need to do. But, dressage? Nope. I do not accept it. Also, this is a sport that is just rich dickbags showing off their prized steeds. Think I am wrong? Jessica Springsteen is an Olympian. Yeah, Bruce’s daughter. A rich rockstar was like “I will buy my daughter a pony” and from there it just sort of happened. BECAUSE THEY CAN AFFORD TO PLAY THIS SPORT. If Payton asks for a pony, she is getting a Fluttershy doll.
Fencing
I wish fencing was as cool as we all think it should be. It is nothing like The Princess Bride or some other movie with amazing sword fights. It is actually boring. How is that even possible? They are fighting with swords, this should be the premiere event at the Olympics. We should tune in every four years to hear the clang of steel on steel. Fix this now!
Field Hockey
This is one of those sports that I know nothing about. Why is this a sport, but lacrosse is not? I guess India dominates at field hockey, that is cool.
Football
That is right people, football at the Olympics. I feel like the United States will dominate. We should just send Tampa Bay. Ohhhhh, this is soccer. Does USA even have a men’s team? At least the women are awesome and fun to watch.
Golf
I love golf. I think you all know that, but this should not be an Olympic sport. Or at the very least, it should not use the current format. Just a normal tournament for men and women. Here is how they should it: mixed doubles. Alternating shots. You could make it interesting match play as well. For example, think of this, say Justin Thomas & Lexi Thompson are a team for USA. They are on the green, Lexi is about to putt, but Tommy Fleetwood & Mel Reid concede the hole…meaning that Lexi will have to tee off on the next hole, which is a 590 yard par five. Oh yeah, they play from the black tees no matter who is up. So there could be some strategy involved in conceding and not conceding. It could be so much more fun that what it is now!
Gymnastics
All we care about is Simone Biles. Do not pretend there is anyone you want to watch! She will go down in history as one of the greatest athletes ever. Yeah, I said it.
Handball
Did we play this in gym class? I think so. I think we also played it with those cool carts…we would have one person push and the other person was the thrower. I was a tiny kid in junior high and my friend was a big guy, so we would be partners and he would push me super fast around the court. It was so much fun. What does that have to do with handball? Nothing.
Judo
Judo chop! Austin Powers better win gold.
Karate
I have never watched karate in the Olympics. I hope it is exactly like the All-Valley Karate Tournament.
Modern Pentathlon
Another cool sport that should probably be more popular. I suppose I like it because of the Dolph Lundgren movie. They should do another combination sport: archery from horseback. Have you ever seen those Kazakhstani archers that shoot targets while riding? That would be awesome.
Rowing
When I did my research about the PA Olympians, I realized very quickly that the best way to get a kid into an Ivy League school is to have them join the crew team…I mean, if your high school has one. I know it is a difficult sport and they are in great shape, but I cannot imagine these people not being pretentious assholes.
Rugby Sevens
Guess what? I know nothing about this sport. Lindsey’s friend Michelle plays it.
Sailing
The only sport that is more “rich asshole” than rowing.
Shooting
I feel this is a sport because Americans cannot dominate in archery, so we need something to prove that we are badass. Oh…I just looked it up, we are not that good at it. HAHAHAHAHA. Maybe if we had a mass shooting event, we could show off our skill. Also, shooting has had doping scandals….the Olympics are fantastic.
Skateboarding
Nope. Should not be an Olympic sport. Stick to the X-Games, brah!
Sport Climbing
How did rock climbing become a sport? Has this always been a sport? Do people fall to their death? Is it a race? Do I care to actually look it up?
Surfing
See skateboarding…
Table Tennis
You can call it table tennis if you want, but we all know it is ping-pong. You have to watch it in slow-mo because they hit it so fast you can barely see the ball. I would love to play against one of these incredible athletes just to see if I could come close to scoring a point. Or even return a shot.
Taekwondo
Judo, Karate, and Taekwondo…could we just combine all of this with boxing and wrestling and have…MMA?
Tennis
This is like golf for me. They should find a way to change the format so that it is more interesting. Maybe make the court different.
Triathlon
Another impressive sport. These are serious athletes.
Volleyball
I feel like the United States should be better than bronze. They better step up this year and bring home that gold.
Weightlifting
They could lump this in with athletics, right?
Wrestling
Obviously I am a wrestling fan. I wish I understood Greco-Roman more. I should say I wish I knew the rules and scoring better. Sometimes points are awarded for illegal leg moves and I have no clue what is happening (I just read a story about a Greco-Roman wrestler who also had no clue something an opponent did was illegal, so it is not just me, haha). I wish folkstyle (or collegiate wrestling) was popular around the world (or maybe we should just switch to freestyle and then maybe our wrestlers would be better prepared to wrestle on the world stage).
*Calm down everyone, most of this post is meant to be funny
